A Journey Through Shadow

As we go through life, we make choices on what to do, which shapes our future.

Our parents tell us to think things through.

Our literature tells us to follow our hearts.

We are trained to follow reflexive instinct.

Which do we follow? Which one is the correct choice to make that we will not later regret.

I figure it depends on the situation. When you can’t think of a valid reason why not then follow your heart (and don’t give yourself any reasons to back down). If the situation demands logical input (finances), do some thinking, make the best choice, and when everything else fails? Instinct- train yourself to follow your heart and your mind in the proper situations, and then everything will exile reflex. Stop telling yourself that you’re not worth it, or that your not good enough, and give it a try.

Train yourself to not regret your choices.

I told myself I’d live by “Carpe Diem”, and last night I didn’t, and I’m kicking myself for it. I had seen this beautiful girl at a club my friend and I went to, and I was letting my self-consciousness get the best of me, and I watched her get into a cab without at least asking for her number.

Now, on that note: I identify myself as bisexual: I am both into men and women. I used to identify as pansexual (a person who doesn’t care about physical appearance and gender, but smarts and personality) but found that my life style denotes certain physical traits are required.

Sexuality is seen in most gardnarian branches of Wicca as “men with women only”. I have never agreed with this, even with the argument “but that’s how nature works”. People seem to like to forget that while yes: dogs, cats, monkeys, and every other animal all almost exclusively get together with a member of the opposite gender, it is because of a base instinct to procreate. One must remember that these animals almost always have a predator (normally us). We have enough humans that we don’t procreate on an instinctual basis any more. Infact, more and more people who shouldn’t be having children are, even though there are thousands of children dying every year because they don’t have someone to raise them. We need people who can’t have children but want them (and not just couples who are infertile) to help restore a very large piece of our Wiccan and Shaman (and catholic and Christian) worlds:

Balance.

Another valid piece of nature I like to remind people is of the insect, reptile, and amphibian world. A large majority of these parts of nature are asexual (have no gender). Why would any of the gods have created these things, if they cared about the trivial things like gender identity enough to base laws around what men and women should be allowed to do.

Think on it.

Getting my passport was a fun experience in training my emotions.

Throughout my youth, I was always seen as someone who didn’t get too perturbed by much of anything. I didn’t get horribly happy, or angry, or frustrated. At least, me and everyone else didn’t think I did. A few months ago I started gettin upset by all the little things, and I broke my hand twice taking my anger an frustration out on various objects while no one was around. Looking back, I realised that this was because I never delt with anger and frustration.

Shamanism teaches that labelling an emotion a good or bad is an incorrect assumption: good and bad being a human perception. I’m going to add a bit more to that spit of wisdom: an emotion isn’t positive or negative, it’s how you deal with it. I was repressing my emotions (subconsiously of course,) and was relying on that negative reaction. Needless to say, when it eventually did explode out (think a 21 year old bottle of champagne that’s being shaken vigerously every now and again, and the cap eventually coming off) it was violent and destructive, and left me with self loathing. So, I recently bought a punching bag, and go a round with it every few weeks, and suddenly when I do feel those emotions, it’s not as strangling and all consuming as it once had been.

Moral of the story: find a healthy method to tone down your emotions, remembering to follow the rede: An harm thee none do as thou will, before frustrating yourself on learning to control and understand said emotions.

Ps: I don’t condone acts of violence like shootings or beatings, but I don’t see any poblem with fighting as a sport as long as both are willing participants. Animals fight for play and superiority in nature amongst themselves, I see no harm in adult humans doing the same.

Normally, I am a compulsive in planning everything out to the last detail. I am trying to distance myself from that part of me- the part that plans my entire life and then gets depressed when it hits “marriage-family-kids” and sees it as the end-all be-all. The charismatic part of my brain (for amusements sake I’ll call it •K•) tells me to just concentrate on the beginning, and go with the motion I create from that. My new beginning- in the next 4 to 5 months- will be in Ireland. We will see where my waves of change take me, and for once I will be doing something that will have nothing to do with me wanting to please others, but instead will do with what is best for myself. 

It will be work to keep in touch with the people I have taken under my wing (and the people within my ‘coven of mish-mash’ as we so fondly call ourselves), but I’m sure it will be possible. 

On Thursday, May 24th, 2012, I stood on the top of a mountain in my homeland of Canada, and felt true freedom for the first time in my 21 years. It was freedom from emotion, freedom from black and white experiences, freedom from stress, and a freedom from expectations. It was there, breathing in the clear, cold air next to a waterfall that instead of just making a pact to start my year-and-a-day journey like I had been planning for over a year and a half, that I actually felt a connection to the idea of changing myself to be the person I wanted to become, not just being a watcher trapped in my own body as the world tried to change me.